Words to say when your friend is falling apart, or screaming, or maybe dying

What’s the first thing you think when your friend gives you hard news?

Or when they’re crying so hard they can’t even tell you what the hard news is?

Or when your person is desperate and raging and screaming and maybe even slamming cabinet doors and breaking plates?

What do you think when you find out your next door neighbor is dying?

…………………………

If you’re anything like me—and you are; we truly are the same—the first thing that comes into our minds is “Shit, I don’t even know what to say. What am I supposed to say?”

And then my mind goes into a million places and books and movies maybe even, trying to find the right words. I lose my ground, and yes, I lose my friend for a few moments. I check out. “Shit, what do I say? What do I do?”

Sometimes I jump out of my skin and hug and hold, and I forget to even ask if that’s OK. I’m so caught up in “what the hell do I say or do” that I end up doing what I would probably want—maybe what you might want—-but I’m not even sure that’s what that friend might want.

Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s not what the raging person wants. And because it does need to be said—if you’re not feeling safe around your raging person, leave. Leave the room, leave the house, leave the relationship. I’m all for understanding and healing rage but if you’re not feeling safe, do your best to leave. And if your best can’t get you out right now, please reach out to someone whose best can get you out. You’re worthy of feeling safe with your person.

With that said—and again, that right there, needs to be said again: you’re worthy—I was supposed to figure out what to say when big, hard news comes your way.

You know what, words are wordy and they can easily take us out of this moment, on tangents (see me, a couple of paragraphs above—and yes, that needed to be said, it is a worthy tangent, and you are worthy—) and before we know it, even important words and important tangents are still too wordy at times.

So, the next time your friend tells you hard news or your friend is ugly crying and your heart breaks for your next door neighbor and even though you might want to scream at the universe

“Why? Why? Why? Why this again? Why me? Why him? Why her? Why them? Why?”

Don’t say anything at all. Just breathe. And stay silent.

And when you feel your feet on the ground again, just simply say:

“I’m here. I’m just here. *Breathing* I’m here. I’m still here. Still here. *Breathing* I’m here. Right here. I’m here.”

Be still. I’m here.

How to not lose your sh** (or yourself) in this world

Let’s say humankind was challenged to write a list of things going wrong with the world. If we each did the minimal and wrote one — just one hard or chaotic or painful part of being a human, we’d have millions, maybe billions of descriptors. There is so much happening and it is so easy to get caught up, spun around, and overwhelmed by, on a daily basis. From the smallest of lenses like spilling coffee on our new work outfit, to the medium lens of witnessing a dying relative, to the large lens of experiencing the fear of a war zone, there is a whole lot to stress about, panic and freak out as a human.

There is a collective craving for a sorrowful wail of rage.

But I’m here to say there might be a way to not just throw up our arms and give up.

Within each of us, we are our own little Earth; our own little continent, our own free country, our unique society, our special neighborhood, our loving little home, our tiny perfect family, our own precious perfect partner.

We must be the change we crave: we must breathe, we must hug, we must embrace, cradle, and rock our inner selves. We must aim for the peace and unity we want in the big lens, between countries, governments and cultures. We must hold each other and ourselves tight and speak with kindness, within, as we wish out in the world.

Take a moment and feel your body, sitting or laying there right now. Feel the air entering and exiting your body: your inner family, your inner society, your inner Earth. Breathe in and breathe out, and notice the strength and the life that is happening within you right this moment. Know that your body is alive, blood is flowing, heart is beating, cells are regenerating, neural pathways are connecting. Breathe and feel the stillness, the strength, and calmness that your body can experience with this breath. Despite the chaos, the pain, the wars in the world, there is peace and calmness in your body for a moment. Imagine breathing out that peace and calmness onto the pain of the world. Do it again. And again. And again. Calm within. Calm to the world. Peace within, peace to the world. Over and over again.

We are all tiny little cells in this giant human organism. We must each breathe and find the calm within, so that we can be better at sending it out, seeing it out, creating it out also. We are all responsible to find the peace within the society in us so that we can act for peace in the society around us.

Breathe. The peace is within. Life is within. Over and over again. Come home within.

On grief, especially during crisis Covid-19

This might find you in a moment of confusion and loneliness; this might find you in a moment of fear and sadness; perhaps a lingering longing for a return to normal, for what it was a month ago or last year or last Easter. This might perhaps find you in a moment of Blah, wha, gah or urgh. This might find you in a moment of deep pain, desperation, rage and complete overwhelm. 

Wherever and however this finds you, it is valid, alright, and your right to be where you're at internally. Know you're not alone within this emotional turmoil; although it is all slightly different depending on our circumstances, there is definitely a collective painful experience happening in our world; we are all in it in some ways, and it continues to be crucial for us to reach out and try to connect, appreciate, help, soothe, support, nurture and encourage as best as we each can. 

We are in a new normal. We are not going back to a normal, and are not waiting for a new normal. We are in a new normal. Let's acknowledge what this current new normal entails; what we miss from the past normal, what we hope in the future new normal, and most importantly, what we can learn to accept and adjust to in this current new normal. 

************************

This week I want to talk about grief, this intense sense of loss we are all experiencing in different ways. From the loss of life, health, employment, safety, shelter and food security that many adults and families have been or are now experiencing, to the loss that children might experience in not having their play dates and recess time, adolescents not having their hallway nods and giggles or after school hang outs, to the school seniors missing out on proms and last games and graduation ceremonies. The loss of doing buddy breakfasts, monthly book clubs, adult sports, in person FACs, church services and meditation retreats, the loss of running to the store to grab the last few ingredients, or driving over to hang out with our older parents as we usually do. A significant amount of loss happening, collectively, within ourselves and within our world. 

There is so much grief: the sense of loss, of not having that which we used to have or thought we would have today, this week, this month. There is so much loss happening; we must not ignore it within our bodies, within our families, our neighborhoods and our communities. We must acknowledge it in order to heal it and in order to learn from it. 

We must also stay away from comparative suffering, that tendency to either minimize or glorify our loss or our pain. It might sound like "at least I have a house/job/friend/food" or "I can't believe they're complaining when they have a partner, etc".  

There's no shortage of suffering, just as there's no shortage of compassion. In fact, the more we practice internal empathy and compassion for whatever our pain is, the better we can become at acknowledging and empathizing for others' pain and suffering. Your pain is your pain, and it is ok and possible for us to acknowledge both ours as that of others', even in the same breath. We can have both perspective and compassion at the same time. 

Ideas: 

1. Ask yourself right now, and then daily and often: what am I sad about right now? what am I missing? what do I wish I had or was part of right now? 

2. Write down lists; create posters or charts, drawings or symbolic representations. Make family posters, 'sucky' jars or rip papers, throw rocks or break sticks as you each share of your loss or sadness. 

3. Share it openly with someone you feel safe with. Ask them those same questions. Just listen; don't fix. Don't soothe, don't attempt to make it better right away. Just listen and allow for silence. Allow for honoring of what is right now, as opposed to trying to make it be something easier, lighter, more comfortable. Don't compare, shame, criticize or judge. Sharing grief stories is painful and uncomfortable, we can be with it and move through it slowly. 

4. Create a daily check in system with yourself, or with a friend virtually, or with your family or book club. Check in with your 4 year old about their hearts. Check in with your teen about their blahs.  Go around the circle and share. Acknowledge. Write it down. Put it in a jar, on a poster or in a book. Look through photo albums and reminisce about the memories. Bittersweet memories. Talking about it is not going to make it bigger or worse. Allow for sighs, tears, grunts or even meltdowns, then pick back up again. 

5. Acknowledge the things you miss; what you wish you had again or in the future. Recognize what has and what does matter in your body. What your soul and body and mind want again in your life. 

6. Recognize impact on others; what are they missing, what do they hope for, wish for, what would help others? 

7. Make notes of these things, so that during this new normal that we are experiencing you keep searching and creating the things that matter to you, and you also work towards helping and creating others' hopes and wishes too. 

8. And as the waves of grief return, you can learn to welcome it, honor it and grow from it. Over and over again, for a long time. 

Being with our grief can help us soothe it, and it can help us understand it and understand what we can do in our lives to honor the losses. We can learn and move through grief, as we can learn from any of our emotions. We can learn to appreciate more, live more, and give more.

We are in a new normal. We are not going back to a normal, and are not waiting for a new normal. We are in a new normal. Let's acknowledge what this current new normal entails; what we miss from the past normal, what we hope in the future new normal, and most importantly, what we can learn to accept and adjust to in this current new normal. 

With gratitude, 

Anca

PS Stay away from the media. Stay home--you might be getting agitated; stay home. Stay the course. Stay with this new normal for a while. Stay home. 

Spring Change

Today is the first day of Spring. The vernal equinox will happen tonight at 9:49pm in the Northern Hemisphere. It is the earliest (March 19th) it has been in 124 years. Within this century, we will see a significant increase in March 19th equinoxes, and towards the end of the century most of them will be on March 19th. Then, in 2100, when we skip a leap year, it will reset and be on March 20th or 21st again for a long time. Today is the beginning of something none of us have experienced in our lifetime. 

It doesn't feel like a spring day out there, with clouds, and rain, lightning storms and, later, snow. And yet, below the surface of the ground, seeds are cracking. They're starting to move, some are breaking through the frozen, dark ground. Change is coming. Soon enough, we will have new green grass and flowers, and tomato plants and tiny little bean strings coming out of the ground. Transformation is happening right in this moment. 

And if we were to use our imagination, and anthropomorphize for a bit, we can imagine the seeds being scared, experiencing new pain and suffering they haven't experienced. They might be separated from all their old friends in the seed package or bag, they might suddenly feel lonely and scared and confused about what's happening and what it will end up like. I imagine a terrified experience down below our feet happening right now. 

It's also scary up above. We are all isolated, perhaps away from loved ones, unsure as to how they're doing or where they are and when we might see them again. We are all experiencing thoughts and pain and suffering we might have never thought of or experienced in our lives. 

Some of us have walked close to the edge of mortality or have experienced great deals of "Lack of". Gratitude might come easier when we've come close to pain and loss. Most of us have not, we have been lucky, blessed, fortunate, privileged enough to live in a society of abundance, of plenty: of safety, of comfort, of food, of water, of health. This is a huge shock to the system. We can't imagine what it's like on the other side. We don't know what this cracking and breaking down is all about it. It's lonely. It's uncomfortable. It's not familiar. And it's F******! scary. 

Nature provides the answer. Change hurts. It's confusing. It's painful. It's unknown. But the seed just goes on with it, just allows, not thinking twice.  Nature always provides the answers we need. Seeds, they just go with it and allow the cracking to happen. Knowing that it just happens, it is what it is, and we cannot become the plant without the pain of transformation. 

And then, suddenly, there's green all around. And flowers. And plants that will feed and nourish our bodies and bring smiles to our faces. Perhaps the seeds take a look around and notice their old friends, also in different forms now, also transformed. Perhaps there's some giggle and double takes and leaf high fives for having made it through. Let us imagine. 

It's Spring today. Growth is happening. We will come out and play and sing again. We will hug, and hold hands, and have parties and weddings and races and kick a ball around and we will all look back and remember when we didn't and couldn't;  and we must always remember how great it is to have when we have and we must never take it for granted again.

Things to Do When In a Time of Worry and Chaos: Covid-19

Covid-19

I hope this message finds you in a moment of health, calmness and wisdom, surrounded by loved ones, whether they're physically present or far away, in your house or in your memories, two legged, four legged or feathered. 

I continue to have gratitude and compassion for all who are currently helping, caring for, protecting, sacrificing and risking every day.  For those grieving, worrying and not being able to be near loved ones, I wish you guidance, patience and a new way. 

Do: 

Reach out, connect with, and help or thank front line workers, single parents or those living alone.

*************

Telehealth sessions available at your convenience. Walk and talk (phone) if you can and you're needing to get outside and use some movement and time to yourself.

*************

During this time of physical isolation, consider this as a possible idea for social connection. Although some science is considered here, know that this is only a suggestion based on my consideration for possible negative consequences of isolation and loneliness. I'm not a doctor, this is not science, and it's not recommended for everyone. 

This should only be considered if all parties are actively isolating and are not showing any concerning symptoms. 

If you have a lawn or a field or a parking lot near by----use a measuring tape and mark with chalk or tape three circles at least ten feet apart. You can then use these circles to have your teenagers, young adults, or you yourself 'see' your friends. The rules are: every person sits on their own chair (or parks their car) in the assigned circle and is not allowed to step out of it. Keep it simple with the younger ones: no drinks/snacks, etc. Time limit of 60(?) minutes. They can play games from afar ("Would you rather" for example). Adult supervision from afar (perhaps indoor at the window or in own car) at all times to make sure the space rules are followed. 

At the end, have your teen/young adult or yourself hug a blanket or stuffed animal and imagine it as a real hug with the loved ones---research shows our brains benefit positively from imagining an activity just as much as they do from actually doing the activity. 

I understand this seems strange, awkward and potentially scary. These are difficult times, and some humans are or will be struggling more than others: adolescents, young adults (maybe in relationships), extroverts, those living alone or single parents are going to be craving social and physical contact. We must balance the risks and do our best to be safe for both the physical as well as the mental/emotional health. 

Remember I'm not a doctor nor a scientist. Do what works best for you. 

****************************************************************************

Trigger Warning----the subject below is difficult to explore for most of us. Please check your current state of being and if you do not have the mental and emotional space to consider an important, yet very emotionally deep subject right now, stop reading now and return here on a different day. Taking care of yourself is most important at the moment. 

****************************************************************************

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

For most of us, especially in our current society, three subjects are difficult to discuss: money, sex, and death. I truly wish these were the times to discuss the first two. Alas, death, although a guaranteed end for each of us, always around us and a possibility in every moment, is strongly in our face and in our daily existence now due to the pandemic. If you haven't already experienced it within your circle of family or friends, you are most likely going to be hearing about it or experiencing it soon.  The best predictions scientists are having show a significant human loss upon our country in the coming months. 

As adults, teachers, caretakers, leaders, or parents, you will be faced with big questions and expected to have big answers in the coming months. I'm offering some ideas to prepare yourselves in order to be able to hold these big discussions and to best take care of yourselves and those around you. 

Do:

1. Figure out what your beliefs/thoughts about death, dying, and end of life are. Keep it basic if possible, but have a few simple thoughts about it. Concrete and factual is an easy go to, and it's also important to recognize your spiritual and religious, cultural, or familial beliefs about the matter. 

2. Practice daily routine for yourself in order to deal with your own grief and fears around it. Pray, meditate, cry, journal, create. 

3. Stay away from the media. It's easy to get 'addicted' to the climbing numbers, graphs, and intensity of it all. It's not good, it won't be good for a while; staying focused on what you can do right now is most important. Stay home, stay away from public, wash your hands often and quarantine if you have symptoms. It continues to work and it's all we have for now. 

4. If you have children, create your answer according to their developmental age. Keep details to yourself as much as possible, and be careful with making it seem temporary (they've gone on a long trip), confusing (they've gone to sleep), or wonderful (they're in a better place/heaven). Children's minds can't comprehend vague and abstract, and it can be easy for them to also want to 'go on a long trip' or 'go to heaven with grandma now', or start fearing going to sleep themselves. These are hard discussions to have, you must decide what works best in your family, just know and be prepared for possible challenges based on their understanding abilities. 

5. Figure out a way or ways to acknowledge, grieve and celebrate the lives of those we might be losing--whether you know them directly or generally, in the human race. Writing letters/notes, drawing pictures, burning a candle, chanting, sitting outside in nature in silence, or creating a special book....rituals are both honoring and healing. 

6. The most important part is realizing there will be an 'after' for this all. It's important to keep hope alive and remind yourself and others, especially children, that this too is temporary, that life will return to a new normal, and that there are many people around to help, support, and care for everyone. 

Some helpful articles and videos: 

Sesame Street deals with death (short version)

https://youtu.be/gxlj4Tk83xQ

Sesame Street deals with death (long version)

https://youtu.be/T4CKuSRYrcQ

More reading on how to talk with children about it: 

https://www.npr.org/2019/03/04/698309351/the-dog-isnt-sleeping-how-to-talk-with-children-about-death

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-depression/201612/the-dos-and-donts-talking-child-about-death

https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/how-to-be-a-parent/communication/talk-to-kids-death/#gs.2lg2me

If you're able and looking to read and understand more about ways to celebrate life based on learned lessons about death, I have found this book to be educational, comforting and inspirational: 

The Five Invitations by Frank Ostaseski 

Take care of yourself and others as best as you can, 

Anca

Covid-19, Day 6

Things were so different just a week ago...most of us were busy making plans for spring break, or maybe just looking forward to having less people in town due to spring break plans....

This day, this Friday, take a moment to reflect back on the week. Notice how different it has been around. Write down at least five things you've learned about yourself this week. Perhaps five things that you're noticing have improved your day to day life. Maybe you're moving more, maybe getting outside more. Perhaps you've been more present with your family members this week. Maybe you've cleaned more or talked with people more. 

And maybe you haven't done any of those much this week. Maybe this has felt like a long snow day (week) or spring break vacation and things have piled up and things have felt more off schedule than normal. 

In the moment: 

1. Use your exhale to send out energy to all those who are currently, directly working to keep the country going....the front liners, the nurses, doctors, CNAs, EMTs, nursing home staff, prison staff, grocery store clerks, garbage collectors, delivery drivers, truck drivers, shelf stockers, Internet providers, Netflix staff....whomever is close to your mind today, breathe out and say "Thank you"---thank you for getting up, going to work, risking your own health to help the rest out. Thank you. Over and over Thank you.

Today: 

It's time to become more intentional with your schedule. This is longer than a week. Spring break or vacation mode has to shift, at least a bit. 

1. Plan your meals for the weekend. Plan your meals for the week. 

2. Plan your work schedule for the weekend. Plan it for the week. 

3. Plan your movement/exercise schedule for the weekend. Plan it for the week.

4. Plan your self care routine: hygiene, emotional processing, social connection. 

5. Plan your evenings for the week. 

6. Plan your cleaning/ organizing for each day. 

7. Plan your laundry. 

8. Plan your social/family time. 

9. Plan your religious/spiritual/meditative/contemplative/artistic time.

10. If you have kids at home, plan their days out a bit. 

It doesn't have to be rigid and color coded (but it can help!). Use clocks or schedule with hours: 

9-10:30 Work or

 9-10:30 Family Walk in neighborhood or

9-10:30 Exercise or

9-10:30 Watch Sesame Street or

9-10:30 Online Yoga

Make it fit your schedule. Make it fit your family's schedule. Create a routine of some sort in order to feel more control and also to not have this new normal throw you off of your long term goals too much. Your long term health matters. 

Breathe out thanks, 

Anca

Covid-19, Day 5

Today: 

Connect with as many people as you can---text, call, face time, write emails, write letters. It's a cold, cloudy day, perfect to cuddle up in your favorite blanket and connect. And rest. And take a nap. And another cup of tea.

If you want to move, do some laundry. Take the bed sheets off and wash them. Wash your covers, wash the guest bedroom. Bring out your favorite bed sheets. Bring out your favorite dishes. Get the fancy candles out. Bring out the birthday party decorations or the Christmas tinsel or lights. Bring out Halloween costumes or favorite pajamas and make forts or put on plays or binge watch stuff. We have the fun stuff, bring it out and use it. Don't wait for another day. Today's Spring, let's welcome it and celebrate it!

Here's some specifics: 

1. I grew up playing this game, usually in the dirt, using corn and beans. I looked it up today and lo and behold, it's online with instructions. And it's real, and it's been around for a very, very long time. It has survived many civilizations, and wars and lots of big changes. And here it is, on Wiki: 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nine_men%27s_morris

Use paper or cardboard to make the board, use Legos or beans and rice and play it...it's quite fun!

2. Here's a really funny video....I especially like the mom's lack of reaction...

https://youtu.be/wkaxyOxabfw

3. Here's some good yoga and mindfulness exercises for the kids:

https://www.cosmickids.com

4. Here's a beautiful song experience with an amazing, powerful lesson in being able to STOP, RESET, and keep going. 

https://youtu.be/941PHEJHCwU

5. Here's a beautiful talk by Elizabeth Gilbert on Fear. Lots of other meditations and talks available on Insight Timer. 

https://insighttimer.com/elizabeth_gilbert_writer/guided-meditations/facing-fear-with-a-compassionate-heart

6. Lots of science experiments for all the children with(in) us!

https://www.youtube.com/sciencemom

In gratitude, 

Anca

PS On the other side of this transformation, I wish for connection. And rest. And slowing down. 

And this:  https://youtu.be/WRmBChQjZPs

Covid-19, Day 4.

In the moment: 

1. Notice the worry feeling in your body--the buzz, the agitation, the sense of urgency. 

2. As you exhale, imagine it washing off or melting off of your body into the ground. Similar to a good hand washing (20 seconds or more) after you've just played in the dirt, maybe after gardening. Melting off of your body like sticky, golden honey. Let it pour off onto the ground. 

3. After a few exhales, start imagining tree roots in your legs, strong tree roots coming from the ground. Feel the tree branches in your arms and the leaves coming out of your head and spreading out into the space around you. 

4. With every breath in, imagine being able to breathe in a strong sense of groundedness, of strength and stability just like the tree roots would provide. Your branches and leaves can move and float but notice the stability of the roots. 

5. Breathe out and melt worry away, breathe in strength and stability. 

****************

During the day: 

1. Turn off the media. Still not much new. Wash your hands. Cover your cough. Social distancing works. 

2. What's your routine? What time are you eating, how much are you hydrating? How are you getting movement in your day? What's your sleep hygiene like these days? Routine matters. 

3. Today's task: get outside. Do yard work. Clean up dog poop. Rake leaves or trim anything in need of trimming. Wash your windows, outside or inside. Go for a walk. Ride your bike. Sit on a chair and hear the birds coming out to play. 

4. Exercise: pick your 3 favorite body weight exercises (or anything you remember from gym class). Do 10 of each, repeat 5 times. You've exercised. 

5. Make yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich if you have the stuff around. Eat it slowly. Think of all the times and places you've had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Maybe field trips? Hikes? Sleep overs? Skiing? College? 

6. If you have it, make yourself a cup of tea. Drink it slowly. Read the box. Where is this tea from? How far has it traveled? How many people worked to bring this tea to your cup? The farmer? The harvester? The packer? The drivers? The grocers? How many people have thought about, nurtured, carried, measured, and transported this tea that's sitting here, in your hands, giving you this moment in time?

6. Feel that gratitude for all those memories of the PBJ and all those people that have come together to provide you this cup of tea. Feel the warmth in your heart, and on one of your exhales, imagine sending that gratitude to all those places in your memory and to all those people out there, who brought you that cup of tea. 

In gratitude, 

Anca

Covid-19 Crisis, Day 3.

In the moment: 

1. Start with acknowledging you're worried: "I'm worried right now"

2. Notice what worrying looks like in your body. Can you hear your inside voice? Your thoughts? What are they saying? Can you notice the worry in your body---in your breath, in your chest, your gut, your palms, maybe in your legs? Perhaps an overall 'buzz' or agitation, coldness or clammy feeling. 

3. Notice the worry in your body. It's there; it's your brain's natural reaction to this unknown threat out there in our world. Your brain is aware and doing its natural, healthy response. Preparing your body for action: fight or flight. Everyone is experiencing this in one way or another, in this same very moment you are. The collective is full of buzz, and all humans that have heard the news are having a reaction, you're not alone in this fear of the unknown. 

4. Think of one thing you can do right now to take care of your scared body: give yourself a hug, cry, go stare outside into the big sky and know that in this very moment many others are doing the same thing, trying to comfort themselves. Just as you would with a young child when they're scared, be kind to yourself. It's ok to be scared and worried or have any other kind of feelings you might be having. We all are. You're not alone. Let the buzz be, it is here to stay for a while, for this new normal. This is a natural, normal, heathy response you're noticing.

5. Bring your attention back to your breath. Exhale for 6. And 6 more. Then 6 more. Over and over, come back to your exhale. That's how your body resets back into rest and digest, the opposite of fight and flight. Exhale for 6. 

************************************************************

************************************************************

During your day: 

1. Get off the media. Shut off the news, the Twitter, the Reddits, the Voxes, Foxes and Moxes.  They want an audience. They have drama. Panic spreads. I promise you, I will let you know if some HUGE new, helpful piece of information comes out. I promise you will know soon enough! 

2. Today's tasks: clean and declutter. Set up a timer for 30 minutes and clean an area in your house. Clean your wallet, your purse or backpack. That one "throw anything in here drawer" we all have. Clean your coffee table. Your closet or pantry. Sweep or vacuum. Do some laundry. Clean. Declutter. The cleaner and more organized your space is, the calmer your mind can stay. You can control your immediate space. Clean. If you have kids at home. Sing the cleaning song. Put on some music. Everyone clean for 30 minutes. Then later do another 30. 

3. If you have children in your life and are unsure what to tell them or how to talk about what's going on: 

*Stay calm as best as you can

*Let them know you're doing the best you can to protect them 

*Let them know you're there to listen and offer as many hugs as they need

*Tell them what they can do to help themselves: practice proper hand washing, coughing in the elbow, and keeping some distance from others, especially if they're coughing or sneezing. 

*Monitor their media access and limit Live media as best as possible

*Be honest with facts and age appropriate. "Covid-19 is short for Coronavirus Disease 2019. It's a new virus. Doctors and scientists are working hard to understand it and treat it. It's like the flu for most people, and some can get more sick than others. There are things we can do to protect and help ourselves and others". 

*Don't use minimizing, blaming or harmful speech in any way. Talk about community and being kind and united. 

4. If you have older friends or family members or any individuals with compromised immune systems and they're isolating. Reach out in any way you can: text often, send pictures, videos, FaceTime, call, write emails, letters, postcards. 

5. If you happen to have humans in your life in general. Be grateful, for they are in your life. Feel that gratitude in your heart and in your body right now. Feel the calmness, the warmth, maybe the fuzzy feeling. Maybe good tears in your eyes, and loving presence in your arms, and core, and legs. The flip side of fear of grief and loss is the gratitude of having our humans in our life now. Feel that gratitude fully, and how calming it can be. Find your humans and -- Say what you want to say. Say what you need to say. Say it now. Say it often. Then say it again. 

Exhale 4 6, 

Anca

PS:  When you notice the worry buzz in your body, take a couple of long exhales; notice what you're doing right in this moment, what you're holding in your hands or what is happening in front of you. Think of all the humans that worked hard to provide or create that which you're holding in your hands or experiencing in your life. Feel the gratitude and breathe it out towards all of them right now.  Toggle between worry and gratitude as many times as you need. Use the exhale as the balancing beam, similar to a see-saw you used to play on in your childhood. Toggle and see-saw. 

Covid-19 Crisis, Day 2.

If you or someone you know has been directly impacted by the virus, I'm wishing you the best care, calmness and wisdom as you're dealing with it all. If you're working directly to help or assist others, I appreciate your energy and kindness!

************************************************************

A reminder I'm offering Telehealth sessions this week. Most of you have done video sessions with me, but for those who haven't, here's some information about them: 

https://www.lifechangellc.com/telehealth-therapy

************************************************************

Anxiety is high during this time, and will most likely continue to be for a while, until more information is known and a more clear path forward is found. I'll be sending out daily emails with ideas for self care. 

Here are some things you can do to manage the worries and take care of yourself: 

In the moment: 

1. Notice when you're starting to have anxiety (worry, panic, catastrophe) thoughts, and say (out loud or internally) "I'm feeling worry right now". 

2. Bring your attention to your breath, and count to 6 on your exhale. Slow it down and count to 6 on every exhale. 

3. Clench/flex and relax your fists quickly, like you're trying to squeeze something. Do this with strength and quickly; don't hold the clench. 

4. Find other muscles in your body and do the same clench/release action six times. Jaw, calves, quads, arms, even face muscles can be used. 

5. Keep breathing with long exhales. 

6. Do a full body shake, similar to how you've seen dogs shake, or wild animals shake after a fight. 

7. Repeat as necessary. 

*******************************************

During your day: 

1. Limit exposure to media. Don't listen to news, social media or podcasts right now. Everything is sensationalized in order to gain an audience. If new, significant developments happen, you'll find out soon enough. 

2. If you must check the news, plan it to once or twice a day and set a certain amount of time. Don't indulge. The more you listen or read, the more you'll want and then you'll feel more worried. 

3. Focus on what you do have control over: your daily routine. Create a schedule for what you will do as far as your food, hydration, exercise, social time, spiritual time. Plan your meals, don't snack or eat random stuff; emotional eating won't help and it will most likely make you feel shame and guilt and sluggishness. Get outside and walk, run, bike, hike, climb. Get sunshine and fresh air. Call, text, face time loved ones. Write letters of love and appreciation. Pray, meditate, chant, dance, do yoga. Paint, color, do puzzles or crosswords. Staying calm matters.

4. If you have kids at home (or if you're a kid yourself!) draw pictures and write jokes or funny sayings on papers, or make cards. Text them to neighbors or loved ones. Make a video of funny jokes and send them out or if you have social media, post it. People are lonely. Humor helps. 

5. If you're able to, reach out to your neighbors and ask if they could use help (call/text or drop off a note). Reach out to whomever you think might need your help right now. Offer to go get their medicine or groceries or bring in their mail or take their dog out for a walk. 

6. Get online and buy this year's gifts for weddings, birthdays, baby showers....buy gift cards from local businesses and restaurants. You'll need to buy those later on anyways, and this is a good time to invest in your local community. You can also search in the community of the gift receiver and buy it from there; this way you help out today and provide free marketing for future for the business.

7. Offer to help organizations in the community. Some need help delivering things to those in isolation. Some need help taking care of animals (shelters), some might need help stocking shelves. Helping others makes us feel united, helpful, connected, and can take our mind off of our own worries and panic. 

8. Schedule yourself time to fall apart, panic, or be a full on hot mess. If you have another adult around, take turns. If you have kids, do it after they're asleep. Set a timer, maybe 30 minutes?, curl up in your blankets or take a hot bath, and melt away. It's scary. It's ok to fall apart. It's ok to be sad, scared, panicked. You're human and humans have feelings. Be with them, be kind to yourself. And when the timer goes off, get up, wash your face, dry up, and get back up to your routine. Have some water or tea. Eat your meal. Stretch. You're making it through! 

Grateful for today's sunshine, 

Anca

During the Covid-19 crisis, DAY 1.

In the meantime, here are some things you can do: 

1. Wash your hands as often as possible; this continues to be the best preventative action we can all take. Use regular soap as the lipids (outside cover) of the virus will be impacted without any need for antibacterial or fancy soaps. 

2.  Practice any skills that you find helpful in keeping yourself calm, as this is important in helping you be aware, able and proactive. 

3. Lead by example: show your kids, family members, peers, friends ways to stay calm: breathing, stretching, continuing with healthy routines. 

4. If you have kids at home, here are some ideas to keep them busy:  https://zenhabits.net/100-ways-to-have-fun-with-your-kids-for/. (cross out the ideas that involve going to big public places). 

5. If you have purchased tickets to sporting events or the arts and the events have cancelled, consider donating the money instead of asking for a refund if you can. Also, if you have favorite local businesses, consider purchasing gift cards in the next month or two. These are great ways to support the community and keep the arts and sports events afloat during this time. 

And most importantly, take this time to be appreciative, helpful and kind as often as possible.

Take care of yourself and others, 

Anca

Let's talk about you and me, but not in that kind of way; in the comparison kind of way

I’ve been thinking about thinking, and i’m thinking you’ve been doing a lot of thinking too. You might even dabble in overthinking at times. It’s a tendency, a pattern within our mind. I’m going to take the next few blog entries to explore some of these patterns of our mind’s thinking, as I’m thinking all this thinking leads us to think a whole lot of crap about ourselves, and often gets us into a lot of trouble. That’s just what I think. Urgh, that’s a lot of thinking right there.

Let’s visit with the tendency to compare. We start comparing early on, in our single digit years perhaps. We realize we’re different genders, different colors, different sizes. We start picking up on our doings and how some might do something this way and some might do it that way. Initially it’s different, but eventually it rears its head into becoming better or more than. Differences suddenly become threatening, and we start comparing ourselves to others and to others’ doings and havings. Most of us compare up, so that I, me, my, mine is less than you and yours. Your ball hitting is better than mine, your clothes are better than mine, your house is better than mine, your mom’s cooking is better than mine’s. Of course, of course, you might be one of the lucky ones, on the other side.

Perhaps you didn’t compare then, perhaps you always had enough and were enough. Don’t you go boasting, for it eventually got you. Grades, school performance, dating options, college options, your physical size, your bank account, your car, your house, your kids, your kids’ grades. Eventually you compared. Commercialism at its core needed you to compare in order to survive. So most of us have compared. And it turns out comparison just makes us feel like shit. All the time. We feel less than, not enough, not accomplished, not valued, not pretty, not skinny or too skinny, not cool enough. Be honest with yourself, there are ways you think the grass is greener on the other side.

But is it? I have curly, often messy hair. For a long time in my life it was hard to deal with. I tried to straighten it, I tried to tie it up, I tried to cut it off. It tangled up, it got in the way, it was hard to comb or figure out what the hell to do with it most days. it always looked like a good example for a horror movie ‘do every morning I woke up. Most mornings it still does. But at some point I just stopped fighting it and just let it be what it wants to be. Some days the curls are tight and bouncy, some days they’re wildly trying to not acknowledge each other’s existence. And let me tell you about their poor existence when I do back-to-back snowboarding trips, with the helmet smashing them down, or maybe they’d like to share about the misery of multiple days backpacking trips where no water, no comb, no mirror is anywhere in sight. Painful existence, but I bet you they kind of like the messy freedom.

And this curls thing turned out to be so much more than about hair and curls. I noticed that tendency in most other areas in my life— a constant tug to notice the better, to compare, to put myself down and feel like shit. This tug to need to change something, fix something, buy something. A short relief would follow after the new cure, then back on the treadmill of comparison I was. This is wrong, this is not right, or good, or enough. Fix it, cover it, hide it, try to ignore it while it gnaws at the core of my soul.

it turns out the grass is just greener where we water it. Once we learn to focus on and appreciate that which we have, it all falls into a beautiful sense. Instead of thinking “ I wish I had legs like that”, focus on “I am glad my legs are carrying me up the stairs or up the mountain, or off the toilet”. Once one area becomes slightly lighter and easier to work with, the others will seem doable also. For me, it started with the curls, but maybe I had already been on the journey for a while, I don’t know. I was distracted and busy fixing for a long time until I found the curls. So I allowed more things to just be the way they wanted to be, the way it felt easier, lighter, more fluid.

If we’re able to switch our attention from external, from focusing on how others are and how others seem to be doing, and instead look within and notice, and start clearing and letting go of the need to compare and put ourselves down, it does get greener around. Instead of wanting the straight, easy to comb, quick to fix hair (but honestly, is it really though?), we realize that sometimes having curls (or not!) works out just fine. At the end of the day, we all end up having messy, undone, hat hair. It’s great we have it. I’m almost certain my head is a lot warmer because I have the hair I have. I’ve learned to appreciate the hair I have, and I’m not lying, most days I absolutely love my hair, with all its glorious mess and all. And if you don’t have the hair, then maybe you don’t have to worry about hat hair, and that’s also a glorious thing.

What to do to help your kids become successful adults

There are hundreds of ideas and suggestions for how to parent right and thousands of ideas of how to not screw up your kids’ futures. So many opinions and so much, often unsolicited, advice.

If you’re actually curios and looking for one more idea, I’d like to offer you some pieces of information based on research. The longest longitudinal study of human behavior, the Harvard Grant Study, spanning from 1938 until present, provides us with much information about factors that impact our ability to end up as healthy, successful, and happy adults.

Two factors have become evident in our ability to become happy and successful adults. The first one: Love. Being seen and heard, being appreciated and valued for who we are, as we are. The second: having a good work ethic.

As a parent, here are ways you can address and support the growth of these two characteristics. First, do your best to see your kids: ask many questions about their days, their friends, their lives, and what makes them feel alive, and less questions about their grades, their performance, their awards and accomplishments. Notice and appreciate their style of dressing, their choices in friendships and their passions, however small or large they are. This lets them know they matter and are valued for who they are, rather than for what they do.

The second one, that work ethic part? Guess what was a constant in those adults’ responses about their childhood. Brace yourselves, for winter is coming. Oops, wrong movie. The consistent factor in those children’s lives was that they did chores. Chores. As children. The younger they started, the better they were able to develop a “pitch in” mind set, a tendency to step it up and take initiative in completing work.

So the next time you set up the chores list, or the next time you get back attitude and rolling of the eyes about the chores, just remind yourselves that there you are, supporting your kids towards becoming successful adults. Ignore the attitude and reinforce the completion of the chore. And for those of you who struggle with half-assed chores (sorry, should’ve told you I am fluent in Vulgar), know that we, as humans, improve by practicing and by doing a little more each time. Having that “I can get better” mindset is another important strength for a kiddo. So appreciate the half-assed, and figure out ways to encourage more in the future.

If you’re needing more help with both learning how to see your kiddos more, or how to figure out about this whole chores chart mess, reach out. I’ve got a few pieces of advice, but you have to ask for it first.

Now go out there and tell your kids you’re happy to see them.

EMDR and Brainspotting: similarities and differences in processing trauma

Although there are exceptions, EMDR and Brainspotting are both tools of therapy, typically used after the you, as the client, and I, as the therapist, have built a relationship with unconditional rapport, and have come to an agreement that one of these tools would be beneficial in our work together.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), has been around since the 1970s, and has become fairly popular amongst therapists in the last two decades. In a typical EMDR session, the therapist follows a scripted protocol to process a difficult memory, while using bilateral movement (alternate eye movements, audio or tactile).  A memory can be processed during one session, or can be revisited throughout several sessions, until the emotional reaction subsides.

David Grand discovered Brainspotting in 2003, mainly through exploration of Somatic Experiencing and EMDR. David Grand believes the way a person gazes and certain points in their vision can stimulate the emotional memory stored in the body. During a typical Brainspotting session, the client and therapist decide on a ‘target’ which can be a difficult memory, a future event which causes emotions, a certain emotion or physical sensation which is often unexplained by the situation. The two then find one still point in the vision field (“brainspot”), where the client then gazes the entire time, while allowing the brain and the body to bring up whatever is necessary: memories, thoughts, sensations, etc.

Both modalities focus on utilizing the brain (central nervous system) in order to process through stored memories of trauma, and rewire the brain, leading to some significant breakthroughs in therapy. Both can utilize the vision field, although EMDR has progressed to use other types of bilateral movement, such as tapping or audio.  Both access the information stored in the amygdala, which is not accessed through verbal processing. Both therapies tend to be cathartic and fairly exhausting, leading to clients needing a slow pace rest of a day, or possibly even a nap.

A main difference between EMDR and Brainspotting is that Brainspotting is more flexible, without a written script. This puts the client in the lead position, allowing the therapist to follow the client’s natural direction, without needing to stick to a protocol. Clients often process memories at a much faster rate than in EMDR, and often describe their internal experience as “watching a movie on fast forward”. Brainspotting utilizes client’s own descriptions of their experience throughout the processing to decide which direction to follow, and the ‘disturbance’ of a memory can often go from a 10 to a 1 within a short amount of time. In this sense, and from my personal experience, Brainspotting tends to work at a significantly faster pace than EMDR. Also from my experience, clients tend to be able to process through difficult memories at a high intensity, then self soothe and calm the body in an impressively quick manner, as opposed to EMDR, which can have lasting disturbance for the rest of the day. Since the entire process of Brainspotting is similar to focused mindfulness or meditation, clients tend to naturally learn how to become more aware of their own body sensations, as well as their innate ability to self soothe their body by utilizing their breath and visualizations.

The decision of which modality will work best is made by the client and therapist; my personal preference is a slight combination of the two, which involves the brainspotting modality, while also utilizing bilateral stimulation. Through brainspotting, I have seen clients have significant breakthroughs in processing traumas of childhood, professional and performance anxiety, traumas of adulthood such as accidents, infidelity and divorce, as well as addictions, grief and emotional dysregulation.

Think your teen is asleep? Think again!

A study published in Pediatrics in 2009 found that teenagers are not getting an adequate amount of sleep. This was especially prevalent in teens with high usage of electronics. Some statistics of what these teens reported doing after 9pm: 82% reported watching TV, 55% being online, 44% talking on the phone, 42% reported listening to an MP3 player, 36% watching movies, 34% reported text messaging, 24% reported playing computer games. There were significant connections between high usage of electronics and drinking caffeine (some as much as four espressos a day!), as well as falling asleep in class. Only 20% of the teens surveyed reported getting the recommended 8-10 hours of sleep a night. And this was 2009, before the Ipad was released!

Taking into consideration that a teenager’s brain is in the midst of a major growth spurt, and that most of the learning and wiring of the brain happens while sleeping, these statistics are quite concerning. Some things you can do in your house (and yes, there will be disagreement from your teen): make the bedroom a bedroom, meaning furnish and decorate it to honor the bed. Make the bed as comfortable and inviting as possible: clean, soft sheets, comfortable pillows and blankets. Paint the walls soothing colors and provide curtains or blinds in order to limit outside lights and noise. If possible, keep the desk and electronics out of the bedroom. Our brains register what we do in each room and react accordingly, so if our brains recognize the bedroom as the place where homework anxiety happens, it reacts negatively when we try to go to sleep.

Pay attention to nature and wildlife around: all gets quiet with the sunset and all wakes up with the sunrise. Humans also used to go to sleep as sunsets started happening, and wake up with the sunrise. Nowadays, due to electricity and many entertainment options, our natural schedule is thrown off and our brain is confused and over-used. By changing your environment in the evening, you’re recreating the natural changes sunsets usually bring along. Remove or dim down electronics, toys, noise makers of any sort. Set an electronics ‘curfew’ for the house, where all electronics are set into chargers or away from rooms at a certain time of the night, and enforce this rule. Dim lights in the house, encourage quiet activities such as board or card games, drawing, reading, hot baths. 

By attempting to recreate a more natural sleeping environment and helping your teens get more sleep, you’re ultimately supporting their development, school performance, and most importantly, their health!

How to deal with holiday stressors

If you’re feeling pressured to buy expensive gifts.....

Know:

Kids don’t typically remember what their gifts were by Mid January! Materialism.....leads to less happiness, less social connections, more depression/anxiety. Time with you is much more important---builds relationships, teaches skills, gives attention.
The receiver does not feel as much as the giver: control your own need, make it about them.

Do:

Turn off the TV or social media (Comparison is the root of so much pain!)
“Santa has a budget”: Talk to older kids about what they want, explain “if x, then no y”. Wrap up things individually, split up clothing or toy parts, with names on them.
Give small things that can be meaningful to them.
Open one gift at a time, take turns. Focus on each gift, make it special.
Get family into spirit of giving by donating some of their toys or things.
Put things into perspective for yourself: will this gift matter in a year?

If you fear being alone, feeling lonely, missing someone or worrying about family....

Know:

Turn off the TV or social media (Comparison leads to buying things you don’t need!) When relatives are visiting: set rules and limits ahead of time, ex: we will have dinner between 3 and 5 pm, then switch into our evening routine. When you’re visiting others: decide if worth it (is my time and energy used well?), prioritize who you want to see or spend time with, plan it shorter or less often. Remember there’s no ‘perfect family’: lots of families are split apart, fighting, grieving, not together. Media lies: dinners don’t go on forever, not everyone’s there, not everyone’s happy! Our country is at war; think of what the soldiers and their families are going through and send them all some peaceful and loving energy of appreciation.
Lots of families don’t even acknowledge or celebrate holidays, take pressure off yourself!

Do:

Make a care package; donate, volunteer, bake cookies, spend time giving back to others. If single or alone, plan on a fun date by yourself (dinner and spa) or party hopping with friends. Think of the benefits of being single or alone---spontaneous fun others might not have. You decide if you want to focus on thoughts of loneliness and abandonment or if you’d rather focus on what you have and who you’re with.

Don’t work out past issues during family gatherings at the holidays.
Don’t look to change someone or the way they do things in your presence or in their lives; politics and religion beliefs will not change during one conversation, so it’s best to avoid those topics if possible. It is OK for us to have different perspectives and still like each other and spend time together. Don’t look for approval, attention or acknowledgement from family members. Accept them for who they are and do your best to enjoy your time together

If you find yourself feeling maxed out and running around with that busy holiday feeling:

1. Breathe 2. Give yourself a good talk/thought (“I’m healthy enough to get around all by myself”) 3. Keep things into perspective (My time is the most important gift) 4. Prioritize self care 5. Give yourself permission to not do it all 6. Delegate/ask for help!

Winter time blues got you?

I know there are historical reasons as to why exactly the holidays happen at this time of the year, but sometimes I just wonder if this is the universe's way to throw one more challenge at us. Fall and winter are tough on us all as is, with shorter days and long dark nights, cold temperatures, and not much outside play. Life seems to slow down, yet, we find we often don't have enough time to get it all done. That scale seems to go up then down constantly (or maybe just up this time!), and, suddenly, we all seem to turn a bit more grouchy. 
We try to escape our misery by turning on the TV or radio, and we're blasted away with holiday music, bright red and gold colors flying from every corner, all kinds of gift ideas for every person in our lives, and, to top it all, Hallmark movies remind us all of intact families having the greatest holidays of them all. Suddenly, we start panicking about gift lists requiring money we don't have, family time involving Leave it to Beaver families we don't have, romance ideas with no prince or princess to romance us, and even yearn for pets the allergist warned us about.  We drag ourselves to bed (or maybe to the bar?), grumbling and feeling about as lonely and pathetic as Scrooge might have been.
And that's what makes me think that perhaps this holiday thing is all about another challenge thrown our way. Perhaps it’s meant to be another opportunity for us to shine while working through it all. If you look around, you’ll find tons of books or websites reminding you of many ways to beat the winter blues and truly enjoy the colors of the season. Here are some quick ways:

• Throughout the day, look around you for the things you use on a regular day that can easily be taken for granted. We often forget to remind ourselves of our many privileges, and miss out on experiencing gratitude.  Notice these items, and take a moment to take it all in, perhaps consider what it took to make it, or just simply notice the colors, texture, or its purpose. When was the last time you noticed and appreciated your comfy furniture or the privacy your curtains give you? And what about that can opener, what would life be without it? Let’s not forget the coffee maker or tea kettle, and that sliced bread is pretty amazing, too!

• Notice the benefits of the season, things that are usually much more enjoyable at this time of the year. That nice sweater or fleece you love to feel on your body, the snuggling blanket while you’re watching TV or sitting by the fire, the smell of that steaming cup of soup or cocoa, the bright and playful lights covering the neighborhood. Notice them, take them in, and be thankful that you’re able to partake in all the little details that come along with the season.

• Give the best gift of them all: you. Yes, you and your full attention can warm a lot of people’s hearts and bring a lot of laughter in your life. Every day, make it a point to notice those around you, and exchange at least a few quality moments, if not more. Make eye contact with a stranger on the street, smile at the store greeter, chit chat with a co-worker, and focus on them, giving them a compliment or letting them know you’ve appreciated something about them. Make it a point to spend time with your partner, parents, children or other important people in your life; play a game, eat together, play in the snow. And if you have it within you, reach out in the community and volunteer at the local library, shelter, or food bank. You are much needed, much more than you are giving yourself credit for. 

Of course, there are many, many options: watching your diet, adding seasonal supplements, exercising regularly, spending time outdoors. Search for the options that best suit you and your needs; then pick one, maybe even two, try it out once or twice, stick with it if you need to. Do your best with it, see if you can get something out of it; besides, even just by trying it out you've accomplished something you can be proud of.  Just do something, it's the quickest way to cure the “I’m just sitting around doing nothing but feeling miserable” time.

Brainspotting

Are you ever at a party, or perhaps the grocery store and suddenly start feeling nervous, with your heart racing and palms sweating, for no reason at all? Or maybe you’re just hanging out at the park and, out of the blue, you get a strange, panicky feeling about your kids playing on the playground? Maybe you’re an athlete, and every time you come towards the ball, an overwhelming feeling of insecurity and failure takes over and you once again miss the hit?

Our memories work in a very unique way. Sometimes we remember our 10th birthday with such clarity, it would make a historian do a double take.  Other times, we can’t even remember what we had for dinner last night. Thinking back to some relationships, we only seem to remember all the bad days, and sometimes, if we’re one of the lucky ones, we might be able to think back to a few good ones too.

And sometimes, most often without our knowing, our brains keep track of the darkest and most unwanted moments we’ve ever experienced. Perhaps these moments are big traumas, such as a terrible car accident, an unexpected death or injury, the moment we found out about our parents’ divorce, or the one when we were broken up with. Sometimes these moments might be small traumas, like the time we spilled coffee all over our new outfit, or said that one joke followed by the choir of crickets. Either way, our brain takes notice of the rush of fear, confusion, embarrassment, and shame that rushes all over our body. It takes a very detailed picture of everything outside and inside our body, storing it for future use, just in case it might figure out a way to help us avoid a similar unwanted situation.

We have a full file with such pictures, and at some point in the future, we come across an item, a smell, or a person, who just happens to somehow match up with details in our stored images. When this happens, the brain suddenly wakes up and alerts all systems, putting us in the fight or flight response, just in case we need to act to protect ourselves. Our brains are our amazing protectors, always focused on protecting us and keeping us alive at all costs. What our brains don’t realize, is that just because one detail matches with a traumatic image, it does not automatically mean the same trauma will happen, which can lead to that sudden rush of fear or panic with no current, real threat in front of us.

There are several modes of therapy that can help our bodies and our brains reprocess and rewire in order to clear out some of those old pictures in our Trauma files.  You might be familiar with Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, which has been around for over three decades now, and can easily be misrepresented in crime shows on TV. A newer, similar form of therapy is Brainspotting.

After building a healthy relationship with a Brainspotting-trained therapist, the two of you might decide to use this therapy tool to process and release emotional memories stored in your body.  The process is often intensely emotional, cathartic and physically exhausting, but the results can be quick, insightful and very releasing. By clearing old traumatic memories, you can notice less ‘charge’ during conflicts in your relationships, more ease when speaking up or performing in public, and be better able to complete tasks that might be directly related to the old traumas, such as driving, sleeping, or going out in public. If that original picture stored by our brain in our traumatic file is vivid, with bright, neon colors, Brainspotting works to make that same picture into one that’s more of a vintage, faded image, with much less painful details. We still remember the event, but the emotional response is now lessened.

It’s important to remember that Brainspotting is a tool of therapy, to be used as part of the therapeutic relationship; sometimes it is not recommended, and every once in a while, not beneficial for some individuals. It is most beneficial when used as part of an inclusive treatment and supported by important lifestyle factors, such as having a supportive and nurturing environment.